Life After Divorce- Part II…How to Rediscover Your True Passion

September 2, 2010

Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person’s life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.

Eventually, you begin to think about dating, but it is suggested that you take your time. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. If you have worked outside the home combined with being a mom and wife for the last ten, fifteen or twenty years, you may have lost yourself along the way. Certainly not on purpose, but as most women try to do it all as “super” moms, many times we put our own wants and needs on hold to keep our families and jobs running smoothly!

Let’s rediscover your true passions. Take a deep breath and say…will the real me please stand up!

Part II

Give Yourself A Break

During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many women feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time, such as working overtime or cleaning the house from top to bottom, but let this time also include pampering yourself. Barter with a friend or neighbor to watch your children or leave work a few minutes early so you can stop to sit on a park bench long enough to get that sense of the unique and special YOU. Take this time to experience life even for only 10 minutes without feeling like a wife, mother, sister or daughter… simply you!

Yes, you do deserve to do something special for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a bath or a walk, going to the mall or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission - it’s O.K. Remember, the happier you are, the happier your family will be!

Yes! There is life after divorce!

Joanie Winberg,
www.SingleAgain-NowWhat.com.- Single Again! Now What? 5 Week Teleclass Mentoring Program.
Next class starts Thursday, September 9, 2010.


Tune in every Wednesday evening @ 6PM EST for the Single Again! NowWhat? Radio Talk Show. Call in Live- (347) 215-6997.

Life After Divorce-Part I…How to Rediscover Your True Passion

August 30, 2010

Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person’s life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.

Eventually, you begin to think about dating, but it is suggested that you take your time. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. If you have worked outside the home combined with being a mom and wife for the last ten, fifteen or twenty years, you may have lost yourself along the way. Certainly not on purpose, but as most women try to do it all as “super” moms, many times we put our own wants and needs on hold to keep our families and jobs running smoothly!

Let’s rediscover your true passions. Take a deep breath and say…will the real me please stand up!

Part I

Treasure Your Gifts Within
Realizing we are all born as “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many women to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list everyday. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there!

Yes! There is life after divorce!
Joanie Winberg,
www.SingleAgain-NowWhat.com.

Your Life Purpose

August 20, 2010

Do you know your life purpose?

Your Life Purpose
~Peter L. Hirsch

Your life purpose is the cornerstone of your motivation.

Your life purpose is the keystone of your work ethic.

Your life purpose calls forth your passion.

Your life purpose is the standard by which you judge your progress and whether or not you’re on or off-track.

Your life purpose is the Big Dream, in which your other goals and aspirations play supporting parts.

Your life purpose is the reason for your success.

Or to put is simply: YOUR LIFE PURPOSE IS WHAT GETS YOU OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.

Something to think about…

What does get you out of bed in the morning?
With the support of my coach seven years ago, I was able to clarify my life purpose… “To be a joyous and glowing reflection of my soul while serving others to make a difference.”

One of the most rewarding things about being a Business/Personal Coach is to witness the “aha’s” and the feelings of joy my clients experience when discovering their life purpose. You know, that feeling of peace within or what really makes your heart sing.

Knowing your purpose allows you to be your authentic self.

Please share your life purpose. I would love to hear from you.
Joanie
www.SingleAgain-NowWhat.com.

Divorce is an Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

August 12, 2010

Yes, divorce is an emotional roller coaster ride. One minute you feel great and the next minute you may feel scared or even depressed.

To help keep your emotions more balanced, it is VERY important to make sure you take good care of yourself every day even if for only 10 (ten) minutes.

Give yourself permission. You deserve this time without guilt.
Most importantly…keep it simple! It can be as simple as sitting in your favorite chair with your favorite cup of tea.

When you fill your “energy tank” every day, you will be amazed as to how life seems to flow with more ease and less stress.

Please share how you are filling your “energy tank” every day for a minimum of ten minutes. We would love to hear from you.

Thanks,
Joanie Winberg, CEO
National Association of Divorce for Women and Children
www.SingleAgain-NowWhat.com
Business/Personal Coach specializing in Divorce

Yes…there is life after divorce!

How to Increase Your Odds of Staying Married the Second Time

August 11, 2010

By Joanie Winberg, CEO of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

Without intervention, divorce rates look like this:
First marriage – 50% end in divorce
Second marriage – 64% end in divorce
Third marriage – 74% end in divorce

(Statistics from Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.)

According to Joanie Winberg, Certified Behavior Consultant and Personal/Business Coach specializing in divorce, it IS possible to lower the higher divorce rate for second marriages. “Before entering into another relationship, you must be willing to take the time for your own personal development and learn healthy relationship skills that will move your life forward after the first divorce.”

Becoming “single again” is scary and it may feel you are riding an emotional roller coaster ride. Unfortunately, being single again is never a neat, straight line. You take two steps forward and three steps back. One moment you feel like you are on top of the world and two minutes later you could easily be in a heap of tears, confused, and filled with fear.

I used to be where you are now! Having been a divorced single mom for fourteen years, I understand your challenges, frustrations and feelings. After my divorce, I not only had to adjust to being a single mom of two children, ages twelve and nine at the time, I also had to learn how to do the once shared to-do list on my own, plus start thinking about a new career. At times, I felt so overwhelmed and tired with all of the new challenges and wondered how I could do it all.
One day, I had a huge wake-up call when one of my friends said to me, “If you crumble, so will your children.” That’s all I needed to hear. From that day forward, I realized that I had to take care of myself and get the support I needed in order to be the best I could be for my children as well as for myself. Getting that help changed my life! Now I’m committed to guiding women through their transitions during and after divorce.

Here are the THREE things I did to take charge of my personal development and to learn healthy relationship skills:

Take time for yourself. Don’t date immediately.
After divorce, many women feel the need to date immediately. Don’t do it. Just because you see your former husband dating, don’t think you should too. Don’t worry about what other people say or think. Don’t let society add pressure with the myth something is wrong with you if you are home alone on a Friday or Saturday night. In reality, you could be on the healing path when you have built enough confidence and self esteem to be able to ENJOY a Friday or Saturday night alone with a rented movie and a bowl of popcorn. (That’s not the same as staying home because you are depressed.)

Seek professional guidance.
I recommend seeking help from a therapist or family counselor to get you started in sorting out PAST issues and concerns.

Then to keep moving FORWARD, I would encourage you to work with a life coach who specializes in divorce. She will offer a different kind of support than you can get from your therapist, friends, and family. Your life coach will help you move gracefully into your future with appropriate boundaries, better communication skills, coping strategies, stress management, self care, and time management. If you have children, learning how to communication with your former spouse should be at the top of your list of things to learn. These same communication skills will also help when you when you start to date again.

Learn to be true to yourself.
You also need to discover the assets and strengths that may have gone untapped for years. You need to know YOU and understand yourself and discover your true purpose in life.
I found this to be the hardest. There weren’t a lot of places I felt comfortable enough to open up and be vulnerable about me. That is why I founded the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. My passion is to offer women a safe place where they can discover themselves. Our mission is to help women during and after divorce and all single moms to be the best they can be and become role models for their children and community.

Our 5-Week Mentoring Program, Single Again! Now What?, was started because of the lack of support and guidance for the divorced women who experienced the same challenges I faced in finding a safe place to learn and grow.

The Single Again! Now What? 5 Week Mentoring Program provides the necessary skills and tools women need to QUICKLY move their lives forward after divorce or the loss of a loved one. The program is a powerful, unique system to support, encourage, and inspire women in all areas of their lives. Topics include:
• Planning your financial future
• Coping skills
• How to communicate with your former partner
• Self care (nutrition, fitness, image)
• How to parent as a single parent, and
• How to date

To support you even more, the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children has just joined forces with MatchMatrix and one of its partners, Larry Michel. The mission of MatchMatrix is to empower women, men, and children through an awareness and understanding of their genetic energetic characteristics to live in their authentic truth, to love and embrace themselves for the magnificent beings they are and, thus, attract and relate to others in the most supportive, passionate, and compassionate way.

Learning the necessary life skills turned my life around, but first I had to realize that it had to start with me. I had to take responsibility to be the best I could be for my children as well as for myself.

It is possible to lower the divorce rate for your second marriage if you (1) take time for yourself (don’t date immediately), (2) seek professional guidance, and (3) learn to be true to yourself. Yes…there is life after divorce.

For more information about the Single Again, Now What? 5-Week Mentoring Program, go to www.SingleAgain-NowWhat.com

Divorced-Parenting Challenge: Nurturing Your Child’s Spirit Through the Process

February 20, 2010

What is the biggest challenge facing parents after divorce? It’s nurturing their child’s spirit through the new array of divorced-parenting situations. Visitation, holidays, public occasions, extended family, behavior issues, and finances - a host of new situations that leave parents, and their children, grasping for the right way. How is a parent to proceed?

When faced with a divorced parenting situation, parents can take the time to mindfully guide their child through a nurturing solution instead of blindly pushing through their first reaction. Mindful divorced parenting is for parents who wish to do more than “just get through it”, but rather wish to nurture their child’s spirit in the process.

This “The Pro-Child WaySM” to divorced parenting recognizes that in every divorced parenting situation there are two possible responses: one that puts the divorce, the ego, and the ex first; and one that puts the focus and attention on the child. By learning to quiet the mind, a parent opens the possibility for the nurturing solution to appear, and in doing so creates an environment for their child that is filled with love, security, consideration, and smiles.

Often the easiest step to determining the Pro-ChildSM response is to acknowledge the alternative. What ISN’T a parent to do? Here are some clues to get parents started on what they are not going to do in front of their child: scream, roll eyes, grind teach, glare, or slam the door. When packing for a child’s overnight visit, a parent is not going to fill the suitcase with lots of tattered old clothes, sending a not-so-subtle message. When a child’s other parent is late for the pick-up, a parent is not going to mouth off to the child. When a parent is at the child’s soccer game, they’re not going to embarrass her by getting into a cheering competition with the other parent. When a parent is meeting the ex’s significant other for the first time, they’re not going to spew venom.

Why isn’t a parent going to do these things? Because somewhere, deep inside, under layers of divorce hurt, disappointment, and sorrow, is a dim light that reminds the parent that there is a child. A child that they chose to bring into this world. A choice that involved love. And now that the fog is lifting from the divorce, they’re able to once again catch glimpses of the original purpose: to love that child and have that child grow in love. The spiteful, old way of divorced-parenting diminishes that love with each sigh, glare, and scream.

So once a parent recognizes in their gut what they’re not going to do, what next? A good first step is to look at the child. Looking at the child and smiling will open a parent’s mind to all of the nurturing possibilities. Sometimes it happens in a flash, sometime it takes several days, but while a parent holds the image of the child in their heart, their mind will be guided to The Pro-ChildSM solution to the divorced parenting situation.

Through mindful, active choices, a parent chooses to pack extra clothes in the child’s suitcase, so that she is secure in knowing that all of her needs are right there in the pack. A parent will comfort the child during the late pick-up, reminding her that she is loved even when traffic back-logs happen. A parent will cheer along side the child’s other parent, realizing that they are both on the same team. A parent will be welcoming and encouraging to the possibility of an additional set of arms to love the child.

And through all of these Pro-ChildSM choices a parent will see the child grow… Grow in love, kindness, patience, gentleness, joy, peace, goodness, and faith that all is well.

With each divorced parenting situation, a new opportunity is available: an opportunity to nurture their child’s spirit.

From The “how-to” divorced-parenting book, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex
by Ellen Kellner (permission to repost with credit).

Meet Ellen Kellner

Support for Single Again Women and Single Moms

February 2, 2010

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Rethinking The Holiday Divorce Schedule

November 25, 2009

Submitted by Ellen Kellner, author of The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex and also one of the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

As an adult, some of my favorite memories are of holidays. If it was a holiday, my mom was on it. You could mark the passing of time by the wreath on the front door, the centerpiece on the table, and the food in the kitchen. While I went through the many changes of childhood into the teen years, and plowed on through two divorces as an adult, the consistency of my mother’s holiday celebrations stayed constant. After forty years, we still debate whether it’s ok to switch-up the Christmas stuffing or keep to the traditional. It’s a fun conversation, but I know that we’ll always come back to the traditional. It’s more than food, it’s comfort.

So this year, my six-year-old was excited for the Chex Mix Making Day. With her limited six experiences (do the first two count?), she has already come to know that Chex mix equals Thanksgiving preparation, which equals fun. She set up four large bowls, mentally marking which bowl was going to be for which person, and then she poured. 3 cups rice Chex into bowl #1, #2, #3, #4. 3 cups corn Chex into bowl #1, #2, #3, #4 and so forth. I could hear her humming as I was making up the buttery mixture at the stove (double butter, double seasoning a must!). I know her dad will realize that it is not a slight that their portion doesn’t have nuts in it. That’s the batch that travels with my youngest to Massachusetts with her and her dad. She was going to leave out everything besides the Chex, but was persuaded that maybe dad would like the pretzels. I’m sure he’d like the nuts too, but maybe next year. The point isn’t the nuts. The point is her joyfully humming through this tradition.

Every year, my daughters are away from me for Thanksgiving. Every year, they are with their dads. Every year, my daughters are able to experience a Thanksgiving tradition: their Thanksgiving tradition. Just because it doesn’t involve me doesn’t negate their tradition. Even though my younger daughter has only had two Thanksgiving trips to Massachusetts, this year, when I mentioned that she’ll get to go with dad to her aunt’s house again, I got the “duh” look from her. It made me smile. She’s a kid that knows what she’s doing. In her short years of post-divorce practice, she knows that Thanksgiving means fun New England family-time. And the chance to watch 3 movies in the car while munching on nut-less Chex mix. What will she be doing next year at Thanksgiving? She’ll be with her dad, enjoying family-time, and eating Chex mix.

Divorce didn’t deprive my girls of their holiday traditions. My experience is now different then my older child’s, which is different then my younger child’s, but while we don’t get to share the same tradition, we do get to share the same effect: nurturing holidays. It’s fitting that this year, I’ll be back at my mother’s table re-living my own Thanksgiving tradition.

When I was newly faced with creating a post-divorce holiday schedule, I knew two things. #1: I knew that I wanted my girls to grow up, like I did, with a sense of holiday tradition. That was non-negotiable. #2: I knew that it would be good for them to spend time with their dad.

Did I want them to spend all of their holidays with me? Yes. Did I think they would have super fantastic, Martha Stewart holidays with me? Yes. Did I pout at the idea of not being able to spend all of MY holidays with my girls? Yes. But realizing and acknowledging all of my feelings didn’t trump #1 or #2. So, the only solution that allowed for both consistent tradition and time with both of their parents, was a designated holiday schedule.

After twelve years of practice, my fourteen year old knows what she’s doing every holiday. She’s assembled a long list of holiday traditions ranging from Chuck-E-Cheese on New Year’s Day, Nutcracker the Sunday before Christmas, North Carolina at Thanksgiving, to egg hunts at Easter. The traditions have carried her through childhood and continue as she watches her younger siblings do the same. The fact that I’m only in some of these holiday memories isn’t important. My gift to her is the ability to have these yearly traditions, in spite of having two parents that are divorced.

Whether you’re contemplating a holiday schedule for your child, or whether you have one already in place, look to see where you can create yearly traditions. The goal is to create wonderful holidays for your child – holidays that are full of tradition and love. Designating holidays allows for you and your child to repeat traditions every year. (And not comparing it to the other parent’s traditions.) Foster that sense of tradition, continuity, and security by adopting the designated holiday schedule.

A terrific effect of this schedule is that both parents seem to put more effort into creating wonderful holidays. Would Chex mix have become so important if my daughters hadn’t started being away from me? Certainly not with the same importance or so many batches! And I know for a fact that my daughter wouldn’t have had Chuck-E-Cheese New Year’s Day fun, had her dad not stepped up to create this fun to-do. (I’m told that Chuck-E-Cheese is deserted on New Year’s Day, making it much more fun for both child and parent!)

Growing up, I knew what I would be doing, year after year, for the holidays. My daughters know, year after year, what they will be doing for the holidays. While the family members present differ, the atmosphere of love remains the same.

—————
Relates to Divorced Situation #12: Setting the Holiday Schedule ,The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010. All rights reserved.

Meet Ellen Kellner

Five Things Not to Do After Divorce During the Holidays!

November 6, 2009

As we all know, the holidays can be stressful. If you are a single parent, it may feel even more stressful. Many changes have taken place including the family dynamics and traditions.

But…it doesn’t have to feel that way. Here are five tips of what not to do after divorce during the holidays to enjoy more ease, less stress and have a lot more fun.

5 Things Not to Do!

Don’t let your mind work overtime
During the holidays and after divorce, it is very common for your mind to work overtime with the “what ifs” and “if only” as well as negative thoughts.
When the holiday stress starts – reflect on your contributions to the happiness of others; a smile to a homeless person, a thank you to a colleague, a hug with your children.

Don’t isolate yourself
Especially during the holidays, surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Plan a pot luck gathering in your home and have each person bring a new friend to share the holiday spirit.

Don’t beat yourself up
After divorce, many women have the attitude that “I’m not good enough” and this feeling seems to skyrocket even more during the holidays. Be gentle with yourself! You are unique and special. There is no one else in the universe like you. Prepare to launch your new self with laughter and new intentions.

Don’t let bitterness take over
Turn your energy towards your future. Build a “dream” collage about your future and have your children do the same. Get a pile of magazines, a pair of scissors, and a glue stick. Go for it! Have some fun!

Don’t ignore your intuition
Emotions run very high during the holidays and it may seem difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart-of-hearts. Be patient with your decisions and understand that choice is by design. Honor your sense of right and wrong and believe in who you have become.

Joanie Winberg
- CEO/Founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children
- Business/Personal Coach specializing in divorce
- Host of the Single Again! Now What? Talk Radio Show
www.NADWC.org

Speaking Words of Wisdom: Divorced-parenting Language

October 28, 2009

When I attend a lecture, I always go with the intention of retaining a few items that I can immediately put into practice. I find that by committing to a handful of small items, I can make big changes in my life without feeling overwhelmed by the whole of the seminar. At the start of the seminar I write on the top of my notebook: “Take-Aways”. Then, as points inspire me, I write down my list of Take-Aways to implement. So, get out your pen to record your Take-Aways, as I offer these Words of Wisdom for you to employ.

1. Smile. Before delving into uttering sound, I begin this divorced parenting journey by encouraging you to form your mouth in a way that turns upwards at the corners. To some, including your child, this non-verbal mouth formation represents a smile. Only you know whether your heart supports the outward reflection of this gesture, but to your child, it’s a reassuring sign that all is ok. Be sure to engage these facial muscles when watching your child leave and return from visitation.

2. Tell your child that you and your ex talk. It is important that your child knows that you regularly, privately, talk with her other parent: the good, the bad, and the mundane. Not only does this reinforce to your child that you both care, but it is also very effective in nipping any “tattle-tale” problem that your child may have picked up. “I mentioned to dad today…”, “Mom was so proud of you when I told her…”, “Dad couldn’t believe that…”. These aren’t occasions to scold, shame, or bully your child or her other parent. They are simple statements of inclusion. You can only be an effective parent if you share the issues that involve your child.

3. Say “We Love You”. Does your child know that both you and your ex love him/her? That’s a pretty big item to be left to chance. While your actions are important, by hearing that he/she is loved, by you and your ex, your child is able to connect what she experiences with what she hears and this creates an unquestioning reality. You can do this. You can tell your child that her other parent loves him/her very much. It isn’t up to you to judge this love, it’s your job to tell your child that it exists.

4. Mention your ex. And make it positive. Your child should hear you talk nicely about her other parent. So, think of nice ways to include him/her. “Ooo, look at that blue car, it looks just like dads!” “That’s a funny joke, you’ll have to tell mom!” “It’s 5:00, dad should be on the plane now.” In your conversation, you should include the people that your child loves, and those who love your child. In turn, your child will feel that her other parent is an integral part of her life – regardless of divorce.

5. Don’t let “Dad” become “Your Father”. Don’t let “Mom” become “Your Mother”. Your child knows that her parents are divorced. You don’t need to constantly detach yourself from your ex. Everyone knows that when you say “Dad” you mean “the father of your child with whom you are now divorced.” The divorce happened, you don’t need to bring it into the present every time the opportunity arises. In your world, your husband/wife is now your ex, but to your child, dad is still dad. Mom is still mom. It’s your child’s perspective that matters.

So, what are your Take-Aways? Pick two and incorporate them into your child’s daily life starting today. Perhaps one day, you’ll find yourself smiling (#1) and saying, “Oh! Seeing that blue convertible (#4) reminds me that I talked (#2) to dad (#5) today about how much we love you (#3).” It’s amazing what Words of Wisdom you’ll speak to keep love in your child’s life.

~Ellen Kellner
All rights reserved

Ellen is a contributing writer and on the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce For Women and Childen.

Meet Ellen Kellner

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