Speaking Words of Wisdom: Divorced-parenting Language
October 28, 2009
When I attend a lecture, I always go with the intention of retaining a few items that I can immediately put into practice. I find that by committing to a handful of small items, I can make big changes in my life without feeling overwhelmed by the whole of the seminar. At the start of the seminar I write on the top of my notebook: “Take-Aways”. Then, as points inspire me, I write down my list of Take-Aways to implement. So, get out your pen to record your Take-Aways, as I offer these Words of Wisdom for you to employ.
1. Smile. Before delving into uttering sound, I begin this divorced parenting journey by encouraging you to form your mouth in a way that turns upwards at the corners. To some, including your child, this non-verbal mouth formation represents a smile. Only you know whether your heart supports the outward reflection of this gesture, but to your child, it’s a reassuring sign that all is ok. Be sure to engage these facial muscles when watching your child leave and return from visitation.
2. Tell your child that you and your ex talk. It is important that your child knows that you regularly, privately, talk with her other parent: the good, the bad, and the mundane. Not only does this reinforce to your child that you both care, but it is also very effective in nipping any “tattle-tale” problem that your child may have picked up. “I mentioned to dad today…”, “Mom was so proud of you when I told her…”, “Dad couldn’t believe that…”. These aren’t occasions to scold, shame, or bully your child or her other parent. They are simple statements of inclusion. You can only be an effective parent if you share the issues that involve your child.
3. Say “We Love You”. Does your child know that both you and your ex love him/her? That’s a pretty big item to be left to chance. While your actions are important, by hearing that he/she is loved, by you and your ex, your child is able to connect what she experiences with what she hears and this creates an unquestioning reality. You can do this. You can tell your child that her other parent loves him/her very much. It isn’t up to you to judge this love, it’s your job to tell your child that it exists.
4. Mention your ex. And make it positive. Your child should hear you talk nicely about her other parent. So, think of nice ways to include him/her. “Ooo, look at that blue car, it looks just like dads!” “That’s a funny joke, you’ll have to tell mom!” “It’s 5:00, dad should be on the plane now.” In your conversation, you should include the people that your child loves, and those who love your child. In turn, your child will feel that her other parent is an integral part of her life – regardless of divorce.
5. Don’t let “Dad” become “Your Father”. Don’t let “Mom” become “Your Mother”. Your child knows that her parents are divorced. You don’t need to constantly detach yourself from your ex. Everyone knows that when you say “Dad” you mean “the father of your child with whom you are now divorced.” The divorce happened, you don’t need to bring it into the present every time the opportunity arises. In your world, your husband/wife is now your ex, but to your child, dad is still dad. Mom is still mom. It’s your child’s perspective that matters.
So, what are your Take-Aways? Pick two and incorporate them into your child’s daily life starting today. Perhaps one day, you’ll find yourself smiling (#1) and saying, “Oh! Seeing that blue convertible (#4) reminds me that I talked (#2) to dad (#5) today about how much we love you (#3).” It’s amazing what Words of Wisdom you’ll speak to keep love in your child’s life.
~Ellen Kellner
All rights reserved
Ellen is a contributing writer and on the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce For Women and Childen.
Wow! How My Life Changed in One Year!
October 7, 2009
One year ago, I did not think I was strong enough to get through each day. One year ago, I thought my world caved in when I separated from my ex-husband. I was completely unsure of myself and how I was going to handle being without the man I always thought of as the love of my life. In addition to that same time, additional life stresses were present; my mom was dying of cancer, and my son was a US Marine in Iraq.
So there I sat a year ago, feeling sorry for myself, weak and just wanting to pull the covers over my head and stay there. Although I knew I was not alone in the world with these same worries and feelings of what I thought of as despair and worry, I continued to think to myself, “This is not how my life was supposed to turn out!” Each day, I struggled to keep my “game face” on so people would not ask me how I was feeling.
Looking back to one year ago, today I find myself in a totally new world, and total new situations and surroundings. I have found that I am strong enough to get through my days and nights, I have found myself bringing only positive people around me helped my spirit & heart, experiencing things I had never done before (boating, meeting new people, traveling – even if only for a weekend), counseling even helped me realize that situations around me where beyond my control and not my fault.
I also began to focus by putting a plan together on what I could control and how I could make changes in my life for my own future happiness. I found when I began to reach out for help, and focus on rebuilding confidence by taking classes, teaching others, continue journaling and realizing how important your friends and families are to have when you are having a hard time. All of these things began as scary – but quickly realized they were an important piece to regain strength and to learn to move on and remind myself every day that I was worth it. After journaling for so many years, I remember the day I took out my journal and re-read the past year, I realized that I had done the right thing by getting out of a bad situation – I did not feel bad for myself when I saw the “writing on the wall (in my journal)” because I had made a smart choice. I have begun to find a peace inside me that I did not think was possible to have again.
I am well aware I do not need a guy to make me feel better or worthy, but I have found this bond with one particular man that has surprisingly taken me by surprise in such a great way. The comparison from the way I felt one year ago to today is quite amazing. It is a great feeling because I know I am in a good place, happy, confident, hopeful, strong and worthy to stand on my own two feet and make smart choices no matter what is thrown my way in the future.
Jodi T.
P.S. Please share your success story! E-mail Joanie Winberg - jw@joanwinberg.com
This article appeared in the Single Again! Now What? Weekly Newsletter.
If you would like to receive the newsletter go to www.NADWC.org.
For continued support…two powerful programs from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children:
1) Video support from the comfort of your home- Single Again! Now What? High-5 Club
2) Learn more about the Single Again! Now What? 12 Week Mentoring Teleclass
Baby Boomers and Divorce: A National Poll
May 21, 2009
Still Time to take the National Poll on Divorce
The deadline is Sunday, May 31st.
We need your help… To determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up, Eons is collaborating in a National Poll on Divorce with the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].
The poll will take only a moment to answer and how you vote is completely anonymous!
Click each link to vote.
1) The most challenging part of getting a divorce for me was:
http://www.polldaddy.com/p/1557595/
2) What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce? (for example stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?)
http://www.polldaddy.com/p/1504675/
3) What is your relationship now with your former spouse?
http://www.polldaddy.com/p/1504679/
Thank you for participating.
The results of the poll will be published on June 15, 2009.
If you have any questions-
Contact Joanie Winberg,
Founder and CEO of NADWC.org
jw@joanwinberg.com
508-947-2750
Introducing: “Alive and Oh Well!”
February 13, 2009
As founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, I am honored to introduce Gina Mazza, an inspirational author as co-author for the new…
Alive and Well!
Check in with Joanie and Gina
This blog is a combo-talk show/counseling session in words with intriguing dialogue. We will help guide you through crucial transitions in your life—not just surviving divorce with grace, humor and feminine integrity, but anything that has left you feeling stuck, under-inspired or overwhelmed.
Note from Gina:
Around age 35, I found myself introspecting on a series of deep questions: what is it that I’m here to do? What must do before I die or else I will die unfulfilled? In other words, what is nonnegotiable in my life? Around this same time, I couldn’t help but notice that I’d become stretched thin, as many women do. I was a new mother of two children, working full time with a company that I owned with my husband at the time, caretaking aging parents and doing my best to impersonate Martha Stewart at home, among other things.
I’d built a beautiful life yet part of me yearned to rediscover an essential part of me—particularly my creative spirit, which I had allowed to become squelched and devalued. (No wonder I felt something was missing, because my dream was to pursue a career as a writer.) Said another way, I wanted to feel free to be more myself. I wasn’t interested in drastically changing my life, I just wanted to awaken more fully into it. So I embarked on an inward journey that eventually took on fantastic, mystical proportions.
Jump ahead about a dozen years to 2008. I’ve documented my journey in a book that was released nationwide in April 2008: Everything Matters, Nothing Matters: For Women Who Dare to Live with Exquisite Calm, Euphoric Creativity and Divine Clarity. On its pages, I reveal what I’ve discovered to be the 7 essential, overarching concepts to consider when one finally decides to take that leap of faith into the great unknown.
The book is my offering to others on a similar quest, and I suggest that working with these 7 concepts will allow you to create a gift for yourself beyond price: You will know who you are, with the freedom to be it; You will know what you want, with the daring to go for it.
But now I’d like to share with you is what’s been happening SINCE the book was published, which has led me to join Joanie on this blog. Pretty interesting! Suffice to say that it’s like God-Goddess has upped the ante on me, as if to say, “Okay, Gina, you’re saying that nothing matters . . . prove it!” Here’s a snapshot of my past 18 months.
Ready? . . . (deep breath!) . . . Okay, here goes: infidelity (on my spouse’s part); his subsequent job loss due to misconduct; marital separation after 20 years; helping my 2 teens deal with the ramifications of this; several deaths (my father-in-law, and my daughter’s friend commits suicide at age 15); book launch, in which I pull myself together to embark on a national tour; worries about my kids while on tour due to their ongoing estranged-dad situation; financial crisis due to spouse seizing control of our assets (while I was away on tour); legal proceedings for custody; worries about my dear mom, 87, who lives alone and is devastated by my current situation; spouse informs me he’s dating (woman #2, I guess); ramping up my work life to better support myself and my kids; sibling challenges due to spouse’s attempts to turn my family against me; mounting legal fees, and on.
So, yes, these are some of the recent tests that have come my way, and it’s up to me to truly live my philosophy—which is, “it’s not what happens to us in life, it’s our response to it and more importantly, who we are going through it.” I recently read this quote: “Know that the most neurotic, ugly situation is simply testing you. It is testing your vastness, flexibility, adjustment and character.”
No doubt about it, we are all being tested to a greater or lesser degree. That is why Joanie and I are writing this blog, to be in conversation with other women about life transitions we are all going through—especially the painful ones!—so we can learn and grow from those these experiences as they are happening to us.
So while my book has been published, my story is continues day by day, moment by moment, and I promise to share my innermost thoughts about what I’m going through as a launching point for your own words, which we hope you will offer back to us on this blog.
Join us and let the healing begin!
Gina and Joanie
Gina’s Information
www.EverythingmattersNothingmatters.com.
www.museyoucanuse-gina.blogspot.com.
Joanie’s Information
Single Again! Now What? with your host, Joanie Winberg.
Each week, Joanie’s special guests will share tips to support, encourage, inspire, make you laugh or just be the right thing you need to hear at this time in your life.
Show Time: Every Wednesday evening @ 6:00PM EST
Call in: 347- 215-6997
Click here for upcoming shows…
Joanie Winberg,
A Business/Personal Coach- specializing in Divorce, Speaker,
Human Behavior Consultant, and a Certified Laughter Leader
“My Hero” by Kim Cameron
January 28, 2009
Today’s Happy Wednesday Broadcast is brought to you by singer, Kim Cameron.
Kim Cameron spent the last decade working up the corporate ladder but there was always something
missing in her life. In 2007, a family tragedy led her to re-evaluate her life and goals.
So Kim decided to finally break free from the corporate cage and pursue her lifelong passion for music.
As the lead singer/songwriter of Side FX, Kim Cameron is finally living her dream.
Today’s video is called “My Hero” written for our military by Kim.
Take 5 minutes out of your busy day…relax and enjoy! Click here- “My Hero”
Special Message from Joanie:
I am honored that the Happy Wednesday Broadcast is helping make a difference every Wednesday
by inspiring people across the United States as well as 20+ countries around the world.
My dream is for everyone to become aware of how they can make a difference for just a few minutes every Wednesday by choosing one or more of the following:
- Do an act of kindness.
- Forgive someone- make amends with a relationship gone sour.
- Call someone and tell them how much you care.
- Do something special for yourself or the earth.
- Have FUN and laugh more often.
I hope you like the new format for the Happy Wednesday Broadcast. Be part of the excitement that is sweeping the nation…the world!
Just e-mail us your inspirational video, audio or poem with tips to help make a difference to jw@joanwinberg.com with the words Happy Wednesday Broadcast in the subject line.
Once accepted we will also include a short introduction about you and a link to your website.
Until next week, have a Happy Wednesday!
To learn more about powerful tools to help eliminate harmful stress and bring more joy and happiness into your life, go to www.HappyWednesday.com..
Joanie Winberg is the Founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. We understand the challenges of divorce. You are not alone. For more information, go to www.FreshStartAfterDivorce.com.
Single Again! Now What? Talk Radio Show
Tune in to listen to our most resent talk show with June Dillinger, author of the “Benefit of the X.”
Click here for upcoming shows…
Check it out…
Joanie’s interview on the “Starting Today” Talk Radio Show with host, Judith Wentzel.
Topic: Divorce Coach, Joanie Winberg Saves Marriages - 5 Tips on How to Enjoy a Happy Marriage and
Keep it That Way.
Divorce: Why Going to an Attorney is the Last Thing You Should Do
August 29, 2008
Hello,
As founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, my goal is to provide you with tools and techniques to support and encourage you during and after divorce. I have hand-selected experts from across the country that are committed to help you move your life forward and live the life you desire and deserve.
Today, I am excited to introduce and one of the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.
Enjoy,
Joanie Winberg
Divorce: Why Going to an Attorney is the Last Thing You Should Do
As a family law attorney for over 35 years, I tell you that unless you face an emergency running to an attorney should be the last thing you do. Retaining an attorney before you are informed and prepared is the most common cause of unnecessary suffering and expense. This is because the legal system and lawyers who work in it are a primary source of increased conflict and expense.
I am not saying you should never get help from an attorney, but that it should not be the first thing you do, or the second, or the third. There are some important things you should do first–things that will save you a lot of time, trouble and money.
If you do go to an attorney, it should only be after you have read the simple but essential information and advice in Make Any Divorce Better.
Speaking up Pays Off.
August 23, 2008
Hello,
As founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, my goal is to provide you with tools and techniques to support and encourage you during and after divorce. I have hand-selected experts from across the country that are committed to help you move your life forward and live the life you desire and deserve.
Today, I am excited to introduce Pat Lynch, Founder of Audio Acrobat and one of the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.
Enjoy,
Joanie
Speaking Up Pays Off
If you were born in the South as I was, you probably heard “young ladies should be seen and not heard” more often than you could count. Starting your own business at the age of 25 in a field of 350 similar businesses all run by men will help to break that habit, as it did for me.
If I wanted to succeed in business, I learned I had to be both seen and heard — and often. I learned that if I was to succeed in the very male-dominated industry of advertising at that time, I had to learn faster, work harder and be more surrendered in some cases, yet more assertive in others — and learn how to sort all of that out. I also was very open to learn, and attracted some very great mentors during that time.
Rebalance Your Body and Mind
August 19, 2008
Hello,
As founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, my goal is to provide you with tools and techniques to support and encourage you during and after divorce. I have hand-selected experts from across the country that are committed to help you move your life forward and live the life you desire and deserve.
Today, I am excited to introduce Johanna Hofmann, Practitioner of Traditional Chine and one of the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.
Rebalance Your Body and Mind
Going through a difficult and challenging period in life tends to throw us off balance — regardless of how resilient we think we are. Getting back to a place of feeling grounded, regaining our balance is not always easy and straight forward. One of the ways to get back in balance can be found through Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM).
Traditional Chinese Medicine is all about balance! Balance of Qi, of Yin and Yang, of diet, of emotions, of life style, of surroundings … and the list goes on. One of the central ideas to TCM is that life is always changing. Nothing in life is static, regardless how much we as humans would like it to be otherwise! By accepting the inevitable ever changing nature of life, we prepare ourselves for the possibility of living happier and more peaceful lives. And yes, Traditional Chinese Medicine can help you with that.
Major Myth Busting About Over-45 Solo Women
August 17, 2008
Hello,
As founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, my goal is to provide you with tools and techniques to support and encourage you during and after divorce. I have hand-selected experts from across the country that are committed to help you move your life forward and live the life you desire and deserve.
Today, I am excited to introduce Lea Lane, a writer and a communicator and one of the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.
Major Myth Busting About Over-45 Solo Women
According to Singled Out (St. Martin’s Press, 2006), college students in a recent poll described older people as “lonely, shy, unhappy, insecure, inflexible and stubborn.”
So AARP The Magazine, did a poll of its own, of over 2,500 single women over 45. (Nearly half of the 57 million American women over 45 are single; that’s larger than the population of Australia!) Because of later marriages, divorce and outliving loved ones, American women are now more likely to spend more years on their own then with a significant other.
And guess what AARP found from their huge sampling? Things have changed! Myths are dashed. Many older single women are living lives of secret contentment, embracing challenges and opportunities. For example:
Myth 1: Single women are desperate to find a mate. Reality: Relationships are fine, but far from an obsession. About one in 10 of us over 45 have no desire to date; the rest are looking for the right guy, if he comes along, and he’s worth it. But if we don’t find him, we’re fine as well.
Yoga- The Key to Finding Peace Within
August 16, 2008
Hello,
As founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, my goal is to provide you with tools and techniques to support and encourage you during and after divorce. I have hand-selected experts from across the country that are committed to help you move your life forward and live the life you desire and deserve.
Today, I am excited to introduce and one of the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.
Enjoy,
Joanie Winberg
Yoga- The Key to Finding Peace Within
So often our minds have a way of traveling into the past and the future, dwelling on things that we cannot change or predict. A yoga practice brings you present, to pay attention to your breath and what you are feeling in your
Breathing deeply automatically calms the nervous system. As you continue to connect your attention to your breath and to moving into stretches and postures, the mind gets absorbed and becomes better able to focus on the here and now. Taking time to focus your mind in this way and to practice breathing deeply gives you sanctuary in what may be a generally stressful time.
As you begin to practice yoga on a regular basis, that connection to a calm peaceful place within yourself begins to provide a sense of strength as you move through the flow of your day-to-day activities. Through yoga practice, there is the opportunity to learn more about your own body and mind, where you may need some stretching or opening, where you may need to become stronger, and where you may need to relax and trust. As you improve your capacity to breathe and to move, self-confidence grows as well as the ability to open up to the flow of opportunity and support that is there for you.
Single Again! Now What?- Life After Divorce- Part II…How to Rediscover Your True Passion
- Life After Divorce-Part I…How to Rediscover Your True Passion
- Your Life Purpose
- Single Again! Now What? Blog
- If you are are a single mom or dad..
- Divorce is an Emotional Roller Coaster Ride
- How to Increase Your Odds of Staying Married the Second Time
- Divorced-Parenting Challenge: Nurturing Your Child’s Spirit Through the Process
- Support for Single Again Women and Single Moms
- Pregnancy during Menopause
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Joanie's passion is to help women to regain their confidence, build self-esteem and create a foundation of life skills. She is also the author of Rising to the Top, A Guide to Self Development, a Certified Human Behavior Consultant, and a Business/Personal Consultant specializing in divorce.