I have posted about tips for divorced families before because it is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I switched houses every Monday until I was 17…so I am always trying to think of things I wish my parents had done to help out families going through this rough period.

1. Define Family
I think I freaked out because I thought that I would never have a real family again. One of the first things I hope you can do with your children…is to explain that a family with one dad, lesbian moms, three half-sisters, single parents, step parents…they are all different types of families. Think about what family means to you and explain this to your kids, let them know that there are many different kinds of families and there is no better, best or ‘normal'—only happy and loving.

2. New Start…New Rules
Make the rules before they make you! Take the chance for a new start and have everyone decide what kind of new house rules you want to have. I always felt really empowered when my parents asked me my opinion on new household routines or rules. Be sure to also make a new emergency routine (emergency numbers, what to do in a new house in case of fire or earthquake…often overlooked, but very important). I was terrified for my other house during the LA earthquake and for a while phone lines were down so we couldn't call each other…always know what to do.

3. New Start…Same Ethics
New rules are great, but sometimes we like to take advantage or our parents chaos to assume punching your brother, stealing candy and cursing like dad are suddenly ok. Be sure to let them know, that although there are a lot of changes, your family values and ethics are still the same.

4. Being Scared is OK
Be open, let them know you are scared too, and it might take a little while, but you can work together to make things feel ok.

5. Mum's the Word
My parents are extremely good about not talking about the other. I mean literally avoid any comments at all in front of your kids, when you say bad things it can be upsetting and even when you say good things it can be confusing (i.e why don't you just get back together?)

6. Find Other Single Parents
As I mentioned in a previous post, my mom just joined Jdate…she is much happier when she goes out. Find other single and divorced parents, I am sure they have far better tips than I!

7. Maintain Habit and Approach
Don't keep switching tactics. I think a lot of divorced parents are so desperate to make their kids feel ok they try everything and anything…incentives, rewards, punishment, presents, denial, upset. Pick a strategy and stick to it. The more consistent we see you being, the easier it is for us to find our footing. Be patient with us, show us love, we will come around.

Product

Vanessa's book- You're Grounded!

A parenting book from the kid's perspective.  In this breakthrough guide to understanding teenagers, author Vanessa Van Petten gives teenagers tricks to extend their curfew and tells parents how to convince their teens to pick up after themselves. Every topic is brought onto the table, as Van Petten delves into teenage sex, underage drinking, video games and teen drug use. Her candor and personal anecdotes help teenagers to not feel alone in their experience of the tumultuous teenager years, while also calming parents fears by telling them how to prevent these issues from happening to their own children.

Bio

Vanessa Van Petten is one of the nation's youngest experts, or 'youthologists' on parenting and adolescents.  She wrote her parenting book from the teen's perspective, called "You're Grounded!," when she was just 17.  After winning the Mom's Choice Award in 2009 and launching her popular parenting blog, RadicalParenting.com, which she writes with 75 other teenage writers from ages 12 to 20, she is now on a national speaking tour, reaching out to both parents and teenagers talking about what young people really wish adults knew about them. She has been featured on CNN, CBS Miami and Fox New York and has been in the Wall Street Journal, Teen Vogue, Atlanta Insite Magazine and the World Journal.

Contact information

Website:  http://radicalparenting.com
E-mail:  vanessavp@radicalparenting.com
hone:  310 702 8886