I walked into the library with my three stepchildren, ages 14, 11, and 9, to get a library card. All three kids were bent over the desk, filling out their registration sheets when the librarian asked me for my driver's license. I handed it over while saying, “We have different last names.”
 “Are you their legal guardian?” she asked.
 “I'm their stepmother.”
 “Are you their legal guardian?” she asked again.
 “Well, legally, no. I'm their stepmother.” 
 
She told me that if I did not have proof of legal guardianship, my stepchildren could not get library cards. I was told this by the librarian in front of all the children. She might as well have said you are not a real family. And a once proud stepfamily walked a little less tall that day. According to her, ostracizing our stepfamily was the library's policy.

If you're thinking about remarrying and giving your children a stepfather and stepsiblings, it's important that you understand the legal implications of your new relationships. The librarian I mentioned above was correct in one respect—stepparents are not legally related to their stepchildren. Laws are different in every state, and there are a few exceptions but overall we are not family in the eyes of the law. That means if you are a stepparent who is helping to raise your stepchildren you are liable for their care when they're with you but you have no legal rights.

Karen Ives a family law attorney in Minneapolis says, “As with most questions related to family law, there is never one simple answer. Generally speaking, a stepparent has no parenting rights with a non-related child, but certain rights may be established depending upon the facts and circumstances of the situation. The matter at hand must first be put into a factual context, and then the ‘law' can be applied on a case-by-case basis.”

That means that you can't take your stepchildren to the hospital and okay an emergency medical procedure that could save their lives, pick them up from school, ask for a report card from school, or—according to this librarian—get them a library card.

The morning after our library fiasco, I sent an irate email to the library administration office. “I am outraged that the library system is participating in ostracizing blended families, which make up more than fifty percent of the families in this country. I strongly urge you to change your policies to reflect the reality of American families.”

The email I received back from the director of all the libraries in our county gave me hope. The man was a stepparent himself and he assured me that the policy manual said nothing that would prevent stepparents from helping their stepchildren sign up for library cards.

He went on to say, “Do we want to preclude stepparents from assisting kids in their care to get a library card?  The answer is a clear ‘no.' Just to clarify that intent, at our next re-printing, we will revise our registration form to add ‘stepparent' to the ‘parent/guardian' line. We will also cover the topic next week at a circulation team meeting so supervisors are aware of our intent in this area.”

At first I felt a sense of triumph at what seemed like a victory. But then I realized the problem was more complicated. This was a case where the policy did not prevent stepparents from helping their stepchildren, but this particular librarian didn't see us as family and so therefore interpreted the “parent/guardian” line on the registration sheet to mean that stepparents didn't count.

When I polled the readers of my blogs about their experiences with feeling left out or actively not accepted by their churches, schools, and communities, I heard heartbreaking stories of how stepfamilies are ostracized every day even though it is thought that blended families currently outnumber first families in the United States.

In one case a fifth grade teacher told a biological father that she refused to discuss his daughter's education while the stepmother was present. The father threatened to go to the school board and this teacher gave in. Several stepmothers shared stories in which they lied about their status in the family.

If you're in a high-conflict stepfamily, it becomes much easier to see why stepfamily laws are such a mess in this country. Ives raises an important point: “There are so many jealousies and rivalries. It's terribly hard to see someone else raising your kid. And people have different ideas about what is in the best interests of the children. This is why there is the quagmire.”

So what can you do? Check the laws in your state. Talk to your spouse about what each of you will do in the case of emergency. Ask your spouse to have an open conversation about this topic with his ex, if possible. If you want anything from your estate to pass to your stepchildren when you die, make sure you have a will that says so otherwise it will go to your own children or your family of origin.

As to the individuals who interpret policies to exclude stepfamilies, like the librarian who denied my stepchildren library cards, it is up to each of us to deal with the people in our communities who make us feel less than. Certainly the ostracizing of American stepfamilies will continue if we hold our tongues about tough issues or don't share with our communities and schools and governments that their policies are based on 1950s dream-land and not the reality of the lives of the people they serve. 

Bio

Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is the author of the award-winning book A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom, the co-creator of the Stepfamily Letter Project, and the host of the popular Becoming a Stepmom podcast. She is a stepdaughter, stepmother of three, and mom of one. In addition to her life experience in stepfamilies she is stepfamily educator trained by the National Stepfamily Resource Center. 

Contact Information

Website:  www.becomingastepmom.com
E-mail: becomingastepmom@gmail.com
Phone: 612-618-4330