Most stepfamily experts, including myself, talk a lot about how important it is for a new stepfamily to set up boundaries with the exes, especially at the beginning. The reason for this is because remarried couples are in danger. More remarriages end in divorce than first marriages and so it is critical that a new couple in a stepfamily works on building their bond. Creating boundaries around what is appropriate behavior between the exes is part of this process.

“Stay away from ex wives and ex husbands except for any kind of electronic transfer that you need to do,” infidelity expert Dave Carder advises. “Keep up good boundaries. Don't get involved in their personal lives. Don't try to counsel them. Just stay appropriate in your relationship with them—the business transactions that are necessary—and you'll be fine.”

In a first marriage, a couple typically has several years to work on becoming a team before a baby comes along to test their bond. When there are children from previous relationships involved in your remarriage, you get no such time to feel confident in your relationship. It's crucial that a couple in a stepfamily consciously decides to make time for each other no matter how long you've been married.

Test out these tips to affair-proof your second marriage:

Create an “ex” plan. Decide how you will deal with the exes in your lives together. Make sure you both feel comfortable with how communication, negotiation, and child transfers will happen. Peggy Vaughan, the founder of the Extramarital Affairs Resource Center, agrees and suggests that women who marry men with children from a previous marriage need to be active partners with their current spouses. “Having children from the earlier marriage automatically means he will have a life-long relationship of some sort with his ex-wife. So the challenge is not how to avoid the contact, but how to manage it.”

Stay connected. Every morning and evening check in with each other. Have coffee together on the front porch. Walk the dog around the block.

Plan things to look forward to. Plan a trip for your one-year anniversary. Plan big trips for your fifth, tenth, and twentieth anniversaries.

Have an affair with your spouse. “Over 90 percent of people who are having affairs are having sex in the car,” says Carder. “When was the last time you drove to your favorite spot, took a bottle of wine, looked at the sunset, made out like crazy, and drove home two hours later?”

Find things you love to do together and do them. Invest in your emotional bank account by doing fun things you both enjoy. Go to the movies. Cook gourmet meals. Hike in the mountains. Go to a football game. Get involved in a charity you're both passionate about.

Remember the things that attracted you to each other in the first place. “My husband's an amazing guy,” says Georgianne, a stepmom of four children. “He is my soul mate. I knew when I met him. I had one of those cosmic flash-card moments, which is not to say we don't have issues. But we're so much on the same page about so many things.”

Why are you with that man? Why is he with you? I'd be willing to bet it's pretty simple. Love and hope. And love and hope are things that can sustain you if you decide to open your hearts to each other, consciously, each and every day.  

Meet Jacquelyn B. Fletcher